Friday, November 26, 2010
Feedback for Essay 2
Man, the holiday has sure got me very unorganized about my assignments. As I am writing this, I hope that it isn't too late. I think it matters most that I did do it. Anyway, Essay 2 has gone great so far. I followed up on the things I was going to improve on and started out with an outline. That really worked for me and got me thinking about all the ideas I had as well as what order they will appear within my paper. I hope that whoever is reviewing my paper goes through all the criteria and give me constructive feedback because that is what I really need. I want to improve on my writing and the only way I can do that is to learn from my errors. One criteria that I would like them to focus most on is the argumentation. Is my argument clear or do I have to work more on bringing that out? Do I follow up with the argument as well as show clearly throughout the whole paper what my argument is? Those are the kind of things I want to know if I am doing well in or need improvement. I know I am not quite up to par with the other criteria but the argument is the most important part.
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Sorry that the time off hasn't helped you get more organized. I feel like I am finally getting caught up with things. ;)
ReplyDeleteYour request for feedback is specific and should pay off with focused feedback.
For those reviewing my essay, I know that I have not included a second source. I only have the one source which is West's article. This is because as I was examining the article, I found that fashion was not one of her main topics and that she had very little on fashion. The article that I found talked much about identity in a fashion oriented blog. So I need to find a new source that better fits with my essay.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, your essay was very interesting and the objective of the paper was to display identity and its integration in blogs and I believe you did a great job doing so. The first thing I noticed though was the lack of a visible thesis in the usual place of an essay. Dr. Riki Thompson said that it should either be in the last part of the first paragraph or coming up very early in the second paragraph. I really like how you took the time to introduce West and her purpose in the second paragraph. It does a good job and tells the audience what to expect from your categorizing of Linzloves identity. The third paragraph in the essay speaks about the freedom of expression involved in blogging in contrast to journalism. Now I don’t know if the comparison is completely necessary to the essay. The fourth paragraph is great. The fourth essay is where your essay begins and you start to dissect Linzloves identity from her blog. You do an amazing job with it too; you quote a post from her blog that assists your claim of Linzloves being a “public identity” blogger. The only difficulty I can find in the paragraph is describing her identity as a “public identity”. You could use different word choice for a better description such as an “inclusive individual”. The sixth paragraph provides more examples of her identity. The seventh paragraph does a good job of leading into your next proclaimed identity for Linzloves. The next three paragraphs are perfect. You did an amazing job describing her as a “tech savvy” writer with the examples from her blog. The next paragraph is well written and uses a lot of examples that describe her as a “travel intelligent” blogger. You did a very good job with the examples. The conclusion does a great job of rapping up your paper. Overall, I feel as though your paper is very well written. You did a great job!
ReplyDeleteHow is my argument?
ReplyDeleteI do believe that my thesis started somewhere between the second and third paragraph instead.
I read over my essay again and you are right, I have used some poor choices in naming the identities. I feel as if I might use inclusive individual for myself if I can't think of anything else. Also the "travel intelligent" identity is yet another poor choice of words. I will have to change that for my revised essay.